We’re all in this together!
This page is meant to be fun, but helpful. Although the dating game can be challenging, frustrating, and time-consuming, it’s alot easier to enjoy if we maintain our sense of humor.
We’ll also be more successful, by taking the pressure off ourself and the other party. Here’s to making our love lives fruitful and meaningful!
How to impress a woman:
Compliment her…………Respect her………..Honor her…………
Cuddle her…………..Kiss and caress her……..Love and stroke her………..
Tease her…………….Comfort her…………..Protect her………..
Hug and hold her………Spend money on her…..Wine & dine her………….
Buy things for her…….Listen to her……..Care for her…………
Stand by her………….Support her………..Console her………..
Go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to impress a man:
Show up naked……………Bring food.
Turn-on / Turn-offs
from Light Her Fire – by Ellen Kreidman
Lack of self-esteem
Lack of humor
Lack of confidence
Lack of goals
Lack of understanding
Lack of tenderness
Lack of trust
Sense of humor
Sense of integrity
We listed the negative items in the first column, since that’s the ‘most important list’ to be aware of, in the author’s view.
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so convenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpet, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me = I did something you’re not going to like
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole.
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me massage you = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal
What’s wrong? = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = OK, I said it, we’d better have sex now
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
Why Men Will Never Win*
1. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist.
2. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
3. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
4. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
5. If she has a boring repetetive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
6. If you have a boring job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
7. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
….If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
8. If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
9. If you cry, you’re a wimp.
10. If you don’t, you’re insensitive.
11. If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
12. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
13. If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
14. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
15. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
16. If you don’t, you’re gay.
17. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist.
18. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
19. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
20. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
21. If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
22. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
23. If she has a headache, she’s tired.
24. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
25. If you want it too often, you’re oversexed.
26. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
*These items don’t necessarily reflect the views of the webmaster.
Median Age at First Marriage
[source: U.S. Bureau of Census]
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don’t like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, “I haven’t eaten anything for days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Tim: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted.” The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it
women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
THE TWO YEAR DEGREE FOR MEN
A new two-year degree is being offered at Stanford University that many men should be interested in:
Becoming A Real Man. That’s right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program.
………. FIRST YEAR ……….
MEN 101…… Combating Stupidity
MEN 102…… You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103…… PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104…… Women Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
MEN 110…… Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111…… Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am Drunk
MEN 112…… Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100…… Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101…… Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A…. What’s Hers is Hers
MEN 120…… How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You’re Wrong
MEN 121…… Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122…… YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123…… Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C… What Was Yours is Hers
………. SECOND YEAR ……….
SEX 101…… You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102…… Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103…… How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201…… How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
………. (See Electives Below) ……….
MEN 210…… The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211…… How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212…… You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213…… Honest, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A… Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
MEN 220…… Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221……Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Does Not Help
MEN 222…… Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223…… Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B…. Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
EAT 101…… Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102…… Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103…… Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231…… Mothers-in-law
MEN 232…… Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233…… Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C.. Cheaper to Keep Her
from Romance 101 – Lessons in Love – by Gregory J.P. Godek
Playing the victim . . . . . . . . . . > Changing the topic
Making excuses . . . . . . . . . . . > Exagerating
Mimicking your partner . . . . . . > Being sarcastic
Denying your feelings . . . . . . . > Withholding
Threatening your partner . . . . .> Name calling
Evading the issue . . . . . . . . . . . > Being totally logical
Being totally emotional
Men Are From Sears, Women Are From Nordstrom:
“Just Her Size”
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For
example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an
outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper
halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower
racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number
of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
Also, if women were in charge of all the world’s nations, there would
be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if
there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just
awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes
written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a
Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the
exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this
particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase
clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of
pants, and if those pants are too small, he’ll try on a larger pair,
and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a
lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans
with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you’re
standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist
and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch
inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is
basically the same thing as having a sign that says: “Howdy! My butt is
the size of a Federal Express truck!” The situation is very different
When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find
clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the
case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the
size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary
number such as “5” or “7.” Don’t ask me “5” or “7” of what; that question
has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a
size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit
does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can’t!
Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they
start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting
patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store,
trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of
night-vision binoculars. “Hi!” he’ll say, when his wife finds him. “You
know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and…” “Am I
fat?” she’ll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the
man, because if he answers “yes,” she’ll be angry because he’s saying
that she’s fat, and if he answers “no,” she’ll be angry because HE’S
OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained
disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives
unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be
easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether
they’re fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
The other day my wife was in a terrific mood, and you know why?
Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made
her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: “I wouldn’t
care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as
long as they have a ‘6’ on them.”
Here’s how you could get rich: Start a women’s clothing store called
“SIZE 2,” in which all garments, including those that were originally
intended to be restaurant awnings, are labelled “SIZE 2.”
I bet you’d sell clothes like crazy. You’d probably get rich, and you
could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit
humanity. I’m thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
Five Deadly Myths about Love
from “Are You the One for Me”, by Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D.
1. . . . True love conquers all.
2. . . . When it’s really true love, you will know it the moment you meet.
3. . . . There is only one true love in the world who is right for you.
4. . . . The perfect partner will fulfill you completely in every way.
5. . . . When you experience powerful sexual chemistry with someone, it must be love.
Cats & Dogs
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
* * * Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t
hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try
to give you a kiss.
* * * Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.
If Men Ruled the World
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice
hustle, you’ll get’em next time” would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to
go drinking. Mother’s Day too.
5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same but it
would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.”
9. Instead of “beer-belly,” you’d get “beer-biceps.”
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words …”Ally McNaked.”
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.
13. People on Commercials would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said “You’re #1!”.
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to “I love you.”
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night,” would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump
out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
“public ugliness” ordinance.
The kind of love we need
from Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, by John Gray, Ph.D.
caring . . . . . understanding . . . . . respect . . . . . devotion . . . . . validation . . . . . reassurance
trust . . . . . acceptance . . . . . appreciation . . . . . admiration . . . . . approval . . . . . encouragement
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY !!!!!!!
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
You make the bed……………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows….0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………-1
You leave the toilet seat up……….-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0
When there are no toilet paper rolls, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom….-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings….+5
In the snow………………………+8
But return with beer……………-5
Return with beer, and no liners………..-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night…………..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…+5
You pummel it with a six iron……………….+10
It’s her cat……………………..-40
You stay by her side the entire party………….0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy…-2
Tiffany is a dancer….-6
With breast implants…-18
You take her out to dinner…..0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar……..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night……..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team…….-10
A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal…………………….-5
The pal is happily married…-4
Or frighteningly single……..-7
And he drives a Mustang…-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED)……-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie…….+2
You take her to a movie she likes…+4
You take her to a movie you hate…..+6
You take her to a movie you like….-2
It’s called DeathCop 3………-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans….-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly…………….-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……..-800
The Big Question:
She asks, “Do I look fat?”
You hesitate in responding.-10
You reply, “Where?”…………-35
Any other response………….-20
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression……0
You listen, for over 30 minutes…………….+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep……..-200
Definitions for words used by women
FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks — this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES – This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
NOTHING – This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) – This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) – This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care ‘Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH – This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over “Nothing”
SOFT SIGH – Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT’S OKAY – This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
“That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”
GO AHEAD – At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO – This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you’re welcome.
THANKS A LOT – This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”.
10 Tips For Frugal Daters
You have found a possible soul mate, but now you are worried of the cost of the whole wooing process because you’re on a thrifty budget. Well, do not fret over it because there are alternative ideas. It is possible to date with little or no cash flow and it can allow you to be creative while having a frugally fun time.
1. Do some star gazing at a local college observatory. It is open to the public during the school year and it’s absolutely free.
2. Feel one with nature. Have a picnic and explore a state or national park (admission is typically under $10 or free).
3. See a music laser show at a planetarium for around $6.00.
4. Check out a poetry reading or other events at a bookstore. Sometimes snacks or beverages are provided.
5. Create a food themes night and cook each other a dinner and appetizer at home.
6. Check out local arts festivals, craft fairs, flea markets or antiques fairs. Admission is typically under $10.
7. Attend a beer or wine tasting. At less than $10 each, you get more buzz for your buck!
8. Swing is back. Take a dance lesson and tear up the dance floor with the hottest moves. Often, the first lesson is free.
9. Attend a student art show. Often the shows are free and refreshments follow.
10. Rent your favorite movies or see an IMAX movie for under $10.
© Dateable.com LLC 2001
Dateable.com is an exciting online community for singles, couples and romance lovers. Dateable.com has romantic resources, advice, poetry, greeting cards, and more. Dateable.com also features specialty matchmaking services. Whether you are looking for a soulmate or a playmate, visit http://dateable.com
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It’s a Man’s World!
Damn, It’s Good to Be a Man!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too “yucky”.
Same work… more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don’t rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don’t have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don’t have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Damn it’s good to be a man.