A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A Great Boss
“Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work.”
The boss says: “You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”
2 hours later Carlos calls:
“Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: “That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Yetta: “Vell…. I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but such a beautiful car…..a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner…..Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show….let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!”
Sadie: “Oy! Vey…so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”
Yetta: “No dear… I’m saying wear an old dress.”
The Math Professor
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
“Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
“Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”
Make a Wish!
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire. He paused for a moment, then said, “Well, honestly, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
(Don’t you love fairy godmothers!!!!!!)
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
“He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh, no, my dear.” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm: Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned
ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!!!”
The Right Prescription
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she
and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman
with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that
she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When
she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we
can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month
Happy as a Pig…
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
( I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off !
(“Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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